(FADE IN.

MICHAEL ARRUDA is standing in front of a mirror, combing his hair, when suddenly his reflection transforms into the image of an ugly old woman with one withered eye, warts, and fang-like teeth. MICHAEL jumps back and screams. The woman then peels her face off to reveal that she is really L.L. SOARES)

LS: Haha. I really scared you there.

MA: Yeah, I thought we were reviewing MIRRORS again. Phew! (wiping his brow in relief)

LS: MIRRORS? No way! This week we're going to review something much better: the new horror movie DRAG ME TO HELL, directed by big-time Hollywood director Sam Raimi. Despite seeming to totally lose his mojo on his blockbuster SPIDER-MAN movies the last few years (SPIDER-MAN 3 was especially horrible), it was nice to see Raimi go back to his horror roots (he first came to fame with the low-budget classic EVIL DEAD back in 1981).

MA: I like the SPIDER-MAN movies a lot, though SPIDERMAN 3 I would agree isn't as good as 1 & 2, but I didn't find it horrible.

LS: Yeah, the first two weren't that bad, but I've never liked Peter Parker very much. He's the whiniest superhero ever. While all his teen angst worked in the old Stan Lee comics, it's irritating as hell onscreen. Well, for me anyway.

But let's get back on topic here. We're talking about DRAG ME TO HELL. I have to admit, I was looking forward to this one. I thought the trailer looked really good, and I like the title. It reminds me of a 1970s grindhouse flick.

The story is simple enough. Christine Brown (Alison Lohman) works as a loan officer in a bank and is up for a promotion. An old gypsy woman named Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) comes to the bank because they are foreclosing on her house. She begs for an extension (she's already had two), but to impress her boss, Christine is stern and says there is nothing she can do for the woman. Mrs. Ganush becomes enraged and is dragged out by security.

After work, Christine is attacked in the parking garage by the same old lady, who tries to kill her in her car. Man, that old hag has a lot of energy - it's like a WWF cage match! After an intense struggle, Christine crashes her car to save herself. The old woman soon after leaves, but not before putting a curse on her.

The curse is that she is to be stalked and tormented by a demon called a Lamia.

(Suddenly a LLAMA stands behind LS and MA, noisily chewing.)

LS: That's Lamia, not llama! Get out of here before we sacrifice you!

LLAMA: Like to see you try, you lame-ass human!

(LS lifts an axe and swings at the LLAMA's throat. LLAMA darts out of way, spits at LS, and then flees).

LS: You better run, you sorry excuse for a mammal!

MA (addressing audience): Before you start scratching your heads, it's consistent. There IS a talking goat in this movie. More on him later. Unfortunately.

LS: For three days it will torture her (it's kind of a poltergeist and creates havoc around the house; also only she can see it, so other people think she is going out of her mind, etc.) After that, it will claim her soul and drag her to hell. Unless she finds a solution.

Christine goes to a psychic, Rham Jas (Dileep Rao) for help. At first, he is scared and refuses to help her. But then he gets increasingly involved. He first suggests she makes an animal sacrifice to appease the spirit, then takes her to Shaun San Dena (Adriana Barraza), a medium who fought a similar Lamia decades before and lost (in a prologue at the beginning of the movie, frightened parents bring their cursed son to her but she is unable to save him). San Dena has wanted to face the demon again ever since, and this is her chance to finally confront it and defeat it.

For the most part, this movie really worked for me. After getting increasingly tired of his SPIDER-MAN movies , it was nice to see Sam Raimi come back to the horror genre. DRAG ME TO HELL is fast-paced, well-acted, and piles on the scares (even if a lot of them are of the "scary thing jumps out at you" variety - which tend to be considered "easy scares").

As the old woman, Mrs. Ganush, Lorna Raver is very good here. She really is scary-looking, and her character excels at the gross-out, whether she is coughing up globs of mucus, taking out her disgusting false teeth to suck on candy, or vomiting up slime and worms. If Mrs. Ganush wasn't so damn creepy, the movie wouldn't work as well as it does. The make-up effects for the movie, headed up by Luisa Abel and Howard Berger, are top-notch.

As Christine, Alison Lohman is also pretty affective. She's sympathetic and likable, and you understand why she does the things she does. Towards the end, she even turns out to be a little too nice when she is given a possible solution to her problem, but has a hard time doing it, since it would involve victimizing someone else - even if they deserve it.

Justin Long is okay as Christine's psychologist boyfriend, Clay Dalton. However, there is something really annoying about him. I'm not sure if it's because he plays the smug "Mac" in those Macintosh commercials that we've all seen a hundred times (and did you ever notice how every time you see a computer in a movie or a television show, it's a laptop with the Apple logo on it? Hmmm). The commercials have made him highly recognizable and obviously have paid the bills, but at the same time they have maybe made him overexposed and a bit grating. I can't tell if he's just irritating in general, or because of the commercials, but I had a hard time liking his character. However, Clay is very supportive of Christine, even when she appears to be losing her mind.

MA: I remember Justin Long from one of my favorite TV shows from a decade ago, the short-lived ED. Long played a high school student, and he was one of the best parts of the show. I like this guy a lot, but I have to agree with you, there was something annoying about this character here, which is strange, because he plays a nice guy who really supports his girlfriend throughout her ordeal, and he does it sincerely. One problem I had with him here, and I don??(TM)t think this has anything to do with him being annoying, is that he seemed a bit young to me for the part. He's teaching college students when he looks like he's still in college himself. If I had to take a guess, I'd say there was something in his performance that made me think he wasn't as sincere as the script made him out to be, and that was somewhat irritating.

LS: Aww, admit he's a twit. That P.C. guy from the commercial, too. I'm glad he's not in this movie.

More good acting comes from character actors like David Paymer as Chistine's boss, Mr. Jacks; Reggie Lee as Christine's ruthless adversary at work Stu Rubin (we last saw him as a really bad government agent in PRISON BREAK), who is after the same promotion and will do anything to get it; and a really affective turn by Dileep Rao as the psychic who helps Christine - he really stood out for me.

The camerawork and effects are really good. While I didn't think the movie was in the same league as the first two EVIL DEAD films, I thought it was a nice change of pace from the more mainstream fare Raimi has been doing. And proves that he still has the ability to chill us. And even though it's rated PG-13, I felt like it pushed the envelope enough to give the movie an edge.

MA: I agree. I thought it pushed the envelope much further than any other PG-13 film we've reviewed this year.

LS: Another thing that reminded me of the EVIL DEAD movies was the way Raimi is able to pretty seamlessly include some humor with the scares. He's always been very good at that. There really does seem to be a playfulness that permeates the film. It feels like the kind of movie that was a lot of fun to make.

Considering that most of the films released by Raimi's Ghost House production company have been lame remakes of Asian horror films (like THE GRUDGE), it was nice to finally see a decent horror flick come out of their workshop.

Oh yeah, and for the record, I saw the "twist" ending coming a mile away, but it did not take away from my enjoyment of the movie at all. All in all, a very entertaining flick. What did you think, Michael?

MA: Like you, I was also looking forward to this one, but unlike you, I didn't find it as rewarding. For me, the biggest stumbling block was I just didn't find DRAG ME TO HELL all that believable. I never felt the story was real, and as a result, I never bought into what was going on. I didn't believe it, and that took away a lot of the scares for me.

For this, I mostly blame screenwriters Sam Raimi and his brother Ivan Raimi. I found the story chock full of "demon movie" cliches, and what you found edgy I found over-the-top...

LS: It's SUPPOSED to be over-the-top!

MA: ...and ineffective.

We have this curse against the Christine Brown character by creepy old Mrs. Ganush, which plays itself out in the form of overdramatic special effects. We see Christine tossed across the room, furniture moves, glass breaks, ho hum. I felt like I was on some sort of Disney ride.

LS: Speaking of which, there's a seance scene toward the end that featured all of these ghosts in period costume that reminded me an awful lot of THE HAUNTED CASTLE or whatever that dumb Disney ride is...

MA: THE HAUNTED MANSION.

LS: Yeah, that's it. Like I care what some stupid Disney ride is called! It was a dumb movie with Eddie Murphy, too. But those ghosts don't hang around long in this movie, thankfully.

MA: Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. The movie had that kind of a Disney-excessive-ghost effects feel to it, though I'll be the first to admit, it's way better than THE HAUNTED MANSION.

LS: There is another amusement park ride parallel, though. The whole movie seemed like a roller- coaster ride to me, and that's in a good way.

MA: As you said, I know this might have been the point of the movie, to make it over-the-top, like what Raimi did with the EVIL DEAD movies, but truth be told--- and I hate to admit this--- but I was never a fan of the EVIL DEAD movies, for similar reasons.

LS: Blasphemy! I've never heard you say something so shocking before. You don't like the EVIL DEAD movies, but you liked the remake of PROM NIGHT? That is just wrong!

MA: I don't hate the EVIL DEAD movies or anything like that. They just don't float my boat. I'm also glad you mentioned the word poltergeist earlier, because that's what this movie reminded me of, Steven Spielberg's POLTERGEIST (1982), a movie I've never really liked.

LS (laughing): POLTERGIEST was directed by Tobe Hooper, you goof.

MA: You're right. It was Hooper. My mistake. But Spielberg produced it, and everything about that movie reminds me of his work. So whenever I think of POLTERGEIST, I think of Spielberg.

LS: It does seem to lack any of Hooper's personality and seems more like a by-the-numbers Spielberg film, so I can understand your mistake. I don't like it much either, and I'm a Hooper fan.

MA: What I don't like about POLTERGEIST is that everything is just overdone in that movie to the point where a subtle effect would have done the job just as well. That's how I felt about DRAG ME TO HELL.

I didn't hate DRAG ME TO HELL by any means. There's a lot to like. Technically it's a very good movie. Sam Raimi's directing is great, the acting's all very good, and the special effects are top-notch. It's just that there's too many effects, and I didn't find them all that scary.

LS: I think I found it more fun than scary.

MA: That being said, one effect I did like a lot was when the demon manifested itself in the form of a shadow. That part, the shadow creature, I thought was very creepy, and for me, was the scariest part of the movie. But he's not in it all that much.

LS: Yeah, the goat-headed shadow is pretty cool!

MA: Unlike you, I didn't find Mrs. Garnush all that creepy. She's an old lady, for crying out loud! How creepy can that be?

LS: You don't go around looking at decrepit old ladies very often, do you? Some of them are downright terrifying!

MA: And that fight in the car between Garnush and Christine which you called intense is so unbelievable that it borders on pathetic. Garnush should have been dead within the first few minutes, and some of the effects in this scene were just begging for a Freddy Krueger appearance.

(FREDDY KRUEGER pops up and waves with his razor-blade glove)

FREDDY: I knew I'd get a mention in this review. Thanks, Mike! (slips MA a twenty-dollar bill)

LS: Get out of here, ya crummy creep! You'll get plenty of ink when the NIGHTMARE OF ELM STREET remake comes out!

FREDDY: Yeah, then you'll have to watch two hours of my shenanigans! (laughs maniacally)

(LS swings axe at him, and FREDDY runs away)

MA: My favorite part about Mrs. Garnush was her name, Garnush. Sounds like something Boris Karloff would have had fun saying: (in best Karloff voice) "And we will take the brain of the dog, and give it to Mrs. Garnush."

LS: Sounds like some kind of hummus to me.

MA: Like you, I also liked Dileep Rao as the psychic, and I would agree that his was one of the best performances of the film. I thought Alison Lohman was just OK as the lead character Christine Brown. She was likeable enough, but I think she was better at portraying her angst over wanting that bank promotion than she was at being terrified by a demon. I thought Reggie Lee was especially good as the slimy Stu.

LS (leaning over a large pot and scooping out a ladle full of bloody broth and rotting fingernails): Mmm. Yummy!

MA: No, that was slimy Stu, not slimy STEW. Never mind. Anyway, I also didn't really enjoy the humor in the movie. The problem I have with this type of humor is that I tend to find myself laughing at the movie rather than with the movie. I'm not laughing because the humor is sharp and the jokes hilarious. I'm laughing because the content is ridiculous. It's the difference between MONTY PYTHON and AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS.

LS: Come on, it's not that bad!! I'd say it's at least more on the BENNY HILL level.

MA: Well, I like BENNY HILL. I'm not trying to compare this movie to AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS, which I don't like at all, but I'm trying to explain how I think the humor works here: laughing at other people's misery, for instance, as opposed to laughing at funny or clever situations.

I much prefer laugh-out-loud horror comedies like SHAUN OF THE DEAD to films like this, where we laugh because a corpse falls on a young woman and embalming fluid spills into her mouth. For some people that's funny. For me it's just overkill.

LS: Speaking of which, isn't embalming fluid - formaldehyde - poisonous? An awful lot goes into Christine's mouth in that scene, yet she doesn't seem to have any ill effects. That bugged me.

MA: Good point. And once we get to the talking goat--- well, I think "talking goat" says it all, right? Nuff said!

LS: I LIKE THE TALKING GOAT!! I wish he would have broken into a song.

MA: I liked the talking goat too, but it was just one more notch on the unbelievable meter for me.

And this might be nitpicking, but I also didn't like the look of this film. It was full of bright cheery lighting, and it just didn't have that horror movie feel or look to it. Hell, some of Raimi's SPIDER-MAN movies looked darker!

But for me, the bottom line is believability. Once that goes, the story suffers, and so does the movie. I didn't believe the events of DRAG ME TO HELL for one second, and as a result, in spite of the fact that it's a fairly entertaining movie, I cannot recommend it.

LS: Once again, to bring up one of your favorite films - you thought PROM NIGHT was great, even though it had a cliche story, bad pacing and weak acting, yet you didn't enjoy the super-kinetic thrill ride that is DRAG ME TO HELL? Sometimes you baffle me.

Sure it wasn't the best movie of the year. But it was entertaining as hell if you didn't think about it too much. Don't you like to have fun??

MA: That's a good question, because when it comes to horror movies, I'm pretty consistent in that I don't enjoy the silly ones. I like horror comedies if I find them funny, but humor is tricky for me. The humor in this film I found silly without being funny, if that makes sense.

LS: Aww, crab apples!

MA: Maybe I'm being too hard on the movie, after all. Here, take this plastic Charlie Brown action figure as a peace offering.

LS: Gee, a gift, that sure is nice of you.

(Suddenly the floor cracks open and DEMONIC HANDS pull LS down into the flaming pits!)

LS: You tricked me! I am being dragged down to Hell.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MA (laughs): Oh, didn't I mention that that figurine was cursed? Oh well.
(To audience) Don't worry folks. You know it won't last long. He'll overstay his welcome and get kicked out before you know it. Even Hell can't handle his hi-jinks.

Well, that's it for this week. See you all next time.

(MA winks and we get a CLOSE-UP on his one discolored, withered eye.)

(FADE OUT)