CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

(FADE IN: MICHAEL ARRUDA and L.L. SOARES are seated in front of several television sets on which various horror movies are playing (from the 1931 FRANKENSTEIN to Hammer's HORROR OF DRACULA to Tobe Hooper's THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE). Cats run wild all around them. There is a hill of empty cans of Tecate beer on the floor beside them.)

MA: We're coming to you live this morning from the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, here to review the new movie by Mexican writer-director Guillermo del Toro, HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY. We are in the actual room where Hellboy himself resides with his wife Liz Sherman, and I can't think of a better place from which to bring you this review.

LS (takes a lit cigar from his mouth and swigs from a beer can): Thanks, Red!

MA: Red, for those of you who don't know, is Hellboy's nickname. He's not here right now, as he's out and about saving us from otherworldly monsters, no doubt. Frankly I'm glad he's not here, because I'm not sure how he'd react to a less than glorious review of his new movie.

LS: He'd knock you across the room is what he'd do.

MA: Most likely, so let's get this in before he comes back. As I already said, HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY is the new film by writer-director Guillermo del Toro, who also made the first HELLBOY movie, as well as the critically acclaimed and Oscar- winning PAN'S LABYRINTH (2006), which I know you liked more than I did.

LS (rubbing his eyes, and imitating MA??(TM)s voice): It was too dark, and it didn't have a happy ending. WAAAH! What kind of a horror guy are you anyway? And why do you keep repeating yourself?

MA (ignores him): And del Toro is also slated to helm the upcoming HOBBIT movies to be produced by Peter Jackson. He's a very talented director, and I have no problem with his work either here or in the other two movies. He knows how to satisfy his audience visually. In regards to his writing a compelling story, for me anyway, the jury's still out.

LS: (puffs cigar): I couldn't care less about the HOBBIT. I wish del Toro would make his long-anticipated adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, instead. Hobbits give me the hives.

MA: In HELLBOY II, we find our lovable misfit crime fighters Hellboy (Ron Perlman), Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) and Hellboy's pyrokinetic girlfriend Liz (Selma Blair) still working for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, still fighting the bad-guy monsters, while their boss, Agent Tom Manning (Jeffrey Tambor) tries to keep them and their work secret from the outside world, in a comic routine that grows old fast.

This time they square off against an underworld (as in "under the ground," literally) prince named Nuada (Luke Goss) who sees it has his destiny to awaken a golden army and conquer the human race. As a result, most of the action takes place in this underground world of trolls, fairies, and monsters, with most of the proceedings playing like a chapter from LORD OF THE RINGS, only not as good.

LS (finishes his Tecate beer and tosses the empty can on the mountain of empty cans. He then pops open a new one): He's not just an underworld prince. He's the friggin Prince of the Elves!. Give the man some respect! Then again, elves give me worse hives than hobbits.

MA: The problem I have with this movie is the same one I had with the first HELLBOY, and that is, Hellboy, as played by Ron Perlman is a hilarious character, a scene stealer and incredibly entertaining. When he's on screen, the movie rocks. Problem is, he??(TM)s not on screen enough. Also, the plots of both films don't do Hellboy justice. Some of the best James Bond movies, for instance, were the ones that had the best villains. Prince Nuada is a bore. Luke Goss delivers an excellent performance, so there's nothing wrong with the acting, but the character is so one-dimensional and so boring compared to Hellboy, they're not even on the same playing field.

When Hellboy's in the movie, you can't go wrong, but when you're left with the supporting cast, the film drops a few notches.

LS: Aw, you're a crybaby. Sure Hellboy is the best thing in these movies. That's why his name's in the title. Perlman is terrific in the role. He's a wise-cracking, cigar-chomping demon with one oversized stone hand that looks like it was swiped off The Thing from the Fantastic Four. Perlman's tongue is firmly in his cheek throughout his performance, and it keeps the movie consistently entertaining. I even think there's something very Jack Kirby-esque about the character, which I really like.

But what about Abe Sapien? He's good, too. The talented movie chameleon Doug Jones (who has played everything lately from the faun in PAN'S LABYRINTH to the Silver Surfer) portrays Abe as an intelligent, sensitive outsider, and I actually liked him falling for Prince Nuada's sister, Nuala (Anna Walton). Abe??(TM)s never been in love before, and it's all new and strange to him. How can you not be touched by such a lovely little romance? How can you not have your eyes well up with tears when Abe and Hellboy sing a drunken rendition of Barry Manilow's "I Can't Smile Without You"?

MA: Duh, maybe because I was laughing my ass off! It's one of the funniest scenes in the movie. What the heck are you talking about, anyway, "eyes welling up with tears" and "lovely"? Don't tell me you've suddenly gone all romantic on us.

LS: (burps): Naw, I'm just drunk, is all. But I really do like Abe a lot. I think Jones makes him a very fleshed out character, as much as Hellboy. And I don't know why you don't give the fishy guy some credit. His scenes are good, too.

MA: You know, people really love Abe Sapien. He's kinda cool, I'll grant you that. I like him, but he's not on the same level as Hellboy. Could he carry a movie on his own? No. Does his scenes without Hellboy rock? No. He's like Robin to Batman. He has his place, but he doesn't kick ass.

And I missed the voice of David Hyde Pierce (from TV's FRASIER) this time around. Pierce provided the voice for Abe Sapien in the first HELLBOY movie in an uncredited performance, but he's not in the sequel.

LS: Aw, forget about David Hyde Pierce. I like Abe's voice better in this movie. Doug Jones can speak for himself just fine.

Also, you failed to give these nice people a real overview of what Prince Nuada is up to.

MA: Maybe because I didn't really care. You said it yourself. He's an elf.

LS: He's not JUST any elf. In ancient times, the elves and the humans were in a long war, with the humans starting to win, until the elf king had the mechanical golden army created. These glittering automatons were merciless, unstoppable warriors and quickly turned the tide of the battle. But the king felt guilty over all the carnage they caused and decided to take pity on his enemies and make a truce with the humans. To keep the peace, he broke up his golden crown into three pieces: one to the humans, and two for himself, so that the golden army could never be revived again.

MA: YAWN! Wake me when they start baking cookies.

LS: Poor Nuada feels that his father dishonored himself by making peace with the humans, especially since now his kind are forced to live underground and stay hidden as the humans dominate the earth. And he wants his birthright back. Of course, this involves reuniting the three pieces of the crown.

And that, my friends, is the story of the Golden Army.

MA: You're blubbering. And no, explaining the plot doesn't make it any better.

LS: You must be made of stone, Arruda. You've got a hole where your heart should be.

MA: Maybe I should call Tony Stark and order an iron one.

LS: And what about the hilarious Johann Krauss? It took three actors to portray this delightful bag of ectoplasm, including Seth MacFarlane of FAMILY GUY to do his voice, which reminds me of what Sigmund Freud might sound like.

MA: Fascinating. It took three actors to create an unimaginative character who's about as exciting to watch as an upright vacuum cleaner. What an accomplishment!

LS: Krauss isn't unimaginative at all! Agent Manning calls him in to control Hellboy, who he feels is jeopardizing the secrecy of the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, but Krauss is as weird and dysfunctional as Hellboy is. He's more or less a ghost housed in one of those old time diving suits, who can inhabit and control objects when he releases himself from his costume. His gears and hissing vents remind me of a steampunk character: a mixture of old technology and new. And the fact that he and Hellboy can't stand each other leads to some hilarious scenes; especially the one where Krauss controls locker doors to pummel Hellboy into submission.

MA: That is a funny scene. HELLBOY II is not without laughs, that's for sure. I have no problem with the humor in this movie. There are lots of scenes that are laugh-out-loud funny. The line about the troll baby is hilarious.

LS: And I like Selma Blair, but I do admit, she isn't given a lot to do in this movie. And her big "secret" is kind of an attempt to make the quirky Hellboy series more mainstream and sweet. I could have done without that. Hellboy's a character who should revel in his quirks!

MA: I didn't think the special effects were that great either. While the tooth fairies are creepy and effective, and a lot of the make-up on the various creatures is quite good, some of the effects, like the actual golden army, for example, are disappointing.

LS: I thought that the movie felt a lot like PAN'S LABYRINTH. From the tooth fairies (actually vicious little creatures with huge teeth who can strip you down to a skeleton in minutes) which reminded me of the fairies in PAN, to the eyeless Angel of Death whose eyes were on its wings; which reminded me of a similar monster in PAN.

I liked the special effects in this movie. And there were other cool creatures, like Nuada's big henchman Wink, and the giant plant monster that towers over Manhattan like the son of CLOVERFIELD!

MA: Yes, that scene was very reminiscent of CLOVERFIELD. And speaking of other monster movies, the giant plant monster bears a strong resemblance to the Japanese monster Biollante from GODZILLA VS. BIOLLANTE (1989).

LS: And the way Hellboy is trying to save a baby during all this action reminded me of John Woo's classic movie HARD-BOILED.

I also really like del Toro's attention to detail. All of his movies have scenes where we watch intricate moving parts, which adds a more intimate dimension to the big CGI moments. I also think that CGI works better here, in a movie that's more outside of the real world, than it does in a more reality-based world like Spider-Man's.

MA: I disagree. I thought the CGI looked fake here, very cartoonish.

LS: CGI ALWAYS looks fake to me. But it didn't bother me as much here. Except for maybe Selma Blair's flames, which looked kind of lame.

But I really do dig del Toro's artistic vision. I love the creatures he comes up with. And the strangeness of his unique style is a welcome relief to all of the standard by-the-numbers comic book movies out there like IRON MAN and THE INCREDIBLE HULK. Don't get me wrong, I like those movies, too. But I think del Toro's much more stylish films are a pleasant change of pace.

MA: I agree with you about the cool creatures he comes up with. I enjoy them too, but for me, it's the story. I think both HELLBOY movies lack a good story. With it, both films would be a helluva lot better.

LS: What about the fun use of the soundtrack to add to the humor of the movie? From Eels' "Beautiful Freak" while Hellboy takes a shower, to the aforementioned Manilow ditty (which I admit, might have been used a little too much).

MA: They're funny.

LS: Then what is there to complain about? You had a good time, didn't you? I know I did.

MA: I had a great time. HELLBOY II is a hoot. But it would have been better if it had a stronger plot, and I could have done without all the elf and troll stuff. I prefer Hellboy on the streets of New York City, rather than under the ground in some elf fantasy land.

LS: There seem to be two Guillermo del Toros. One is the guy who makes arty Spanish films that have a real emotional punch to them (THE DEVIL'S BACK BONE, PAN'S LABYRINTH), and then there's the guy who works in Hollywood and has given us such horror/action films as BLADE 2, MIMIC and the HELLBOY movies. Personally, I prefer the arty guy a lot more, but I think HELLBOY 2 might be the best thing he's done so far, in Hollywood mode.

I also had a mixed reaction to the first Hellboy movie. I thought that the characters were great, but I wasn't all that into the plot. I actually liked this plot better, and think HELLBOY 2 is the better movie.

MA: I expected HELLBOY II to be the better movie, but I don't think so. To me, they're the same deal: a mixed bag of hilarious humor and stiff plots.

LS: But I also think that something like HELLBOY 2 shows that del Toro's sensibility is much more in tune with Lovecraft than Tolkein. His fantasy worlds are darker and creepier than the LORD OF THE RINGS type, and I still think that a Lovecraft adaptation would be far superior to making those HOBBIT movies. Haven't we overdosed on Middle Earth yet? But hey, Tolkien is where the money's at these days. I just hope he actually makes AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS some day. He would do a magnificent version.

MA: Good enough. So, while I enjoy the character of Hellboy very much, so far, I don't think either HELLBOY film has done him justice. Still, I wouldn't mind watching a third try.

LS: Well, I liked this movie, so I'd be happy to see a third one, too.

(The door opens and HELLBOY comes in)

HELLBOY: Who the hell are you guys? And what are you doing drinking all my beer!!

MA: We're the guys from Cinema Knife Fight. We review horror movies.

LS: Sit down and have a cigar, we're done with our review anyway.

HELLBOY: Critics? Oh crap!

MA: It's okay. We had permission to be here, remember? Agent Manning said---.

HELLBOY: Manning? I hate that guy. Get the hell out of here!

(LS and MA run for the door while Hellboy puts bullets into a gigantic gun.)

HELLBOY (aims gun): You better run! (look at the open fridge and frowns) Damn, I'm outta beer!

(FADE OUT)

---END---