(FADE IN : the scene is the interior of a gothic castle. A mad scientist's laboratory, to be precise. L.L. SOARES is hunched over with a pillow strapped to his back , beside a giant switch in the stone wall)

LS: Now, master?

(Michael Arruda wakes from unconsciousness, stretched out on a slab. There are electrodes attached to his skull)

MA: Huh? What's going on here?

LS (shouts): PULL THE SWITCH!

MA (breaks binds, leaps up, and shouts): Pull the string! Pull the string! That's a Bela Lugosi mad scientist line from the Ed Wood movie GLEN OR GLENDA (1953), and it's more creative than anything you'll find in IGOR. (Lays back down and replaces electrodes and straps). There. Continue please.

(LS pulls the switch, electrocuting MA, who screams in agony)

LS: Ah, such music to my ears.(pulls switch back up) Okay, I guess that's enough for now.

MA: What the hell are you doing to me?

LS: I'm torturing you for making me see the new animated film IGOR!

MA: Hey, that's not my fault. You suggested we review this one.

LS: I know, but I can't rightly torture myself, can I?

MA: You could look in a mirror.

(LS zaps MA again).

MA (grins): Whoa! What a charge!

LS: Sure, I suggested we review a kids' movie for a funny change of pace. But I had no idea what I was in for. Surely you must have tricked me into this somehow.

MA: Heh, heh. (MA suddenly bursts from the straps and growls in a Bela Lugosi voice) You've made me stronger! Now, I talk in a real "Ygor" voice.

LS: No one's going to get these jokes, you know.

MA: There are still Universal monster movie fans out there.

LS: Um...Okay, so I guess it's my turn to introduce the movie? Are you ready?

Here goes:

IGOR is the new animated film by director Anthony Leondis (whose previous "masterpiece" was LILO AND STITCH 2, which I believe went straight to DVD). It takes place in the dreary city of Malaria, where it always rains. The king of Malaria is an insect-looking dude with a huge head called King Malbert (voiced by Jay Leno). You know you're in trouble when Jay Leno is your leader.

MA: Malbert is one ugly dude, looking like a cross between a Blue Meanie from The Beatles' YELLOW SUBMARINE (1968) and one of the creatures from Disney/Pixar's MONSTERS, INC (2001).

LS: Yep, he's almost as ugly as the real Jay Leno.

MA: Hey, I like Jay Leno!

LS: Figures. Once Malaria was sunny and bright and populated by farmers, but the rains washed away all the crops. So the farmers were replaced by evil scientists who try to one-up each other in an annual "science fair" where they unleash their vile inventions. The worst of which is then used to threaten the outside world, who then pays Malaria not to unleash it. Kind of a variation on the whole "Weapons of Mass Destruction" thing.

It's actually kind of a clever industry. A society based on evil science, though, has its own hierarchy. and here, the malformed and hunchbacked citizens make up the lowest echelon of that society, in the form of "Igors." This is the servant class that serves the scientists in their experiments.

Igor (voiced by John Cusack) is a baby-faced Igor (since "Igor" is also the name of his profession) who works for the inept Dr. Glickenstein (John Cleese). Igor wants to be a scientist, but is cursed by his station in life to be a simple servant. However, when Glickenstein blows himself up during an experiment, Igor takes over the lab and goes about inventing something of his own - LIFE - in the form of a monster named Eva (Molly Shannon). She's huge and made up of big and little parts stitched together, and she wouldn't hurt a fly, which makes her an awful evil weapon. So Igor goes about doing what he can to make her evil. In his quest, he is aided by Scamper (Steve Buscemi) a rabbit who Igor has made immortal, which is ironic because Scamper constantly tries to commit suicide, only to be regenerated again. Igor's other assistant is Brain who is, basically, a brain in a jar with some robotic parts that help him move around (voiced by WILL AND GRACE's Sean Hayes, who I find annoying). Brain has the word "Brian" written across his jar because he is stupid and can't spell. (laughs weakly).

MA: BORING!!! Not you, the plot. Kill me, why don't you!

LS: That can be arranged. But I'd rather torture you instead. And I'm not even done yet!

Eva is a big softie, but Igor is intent on making her evil so that he can rise from his lowly assistant position to one of fame and fortune as Malaria's most evil scientist. Unfortunately, Igor himself is too nice a guy to try too hard to change her.

Eva draws the attention of another scientist, Dr. Shadenfreude (Eddie Izzard), who has made a living out of stealing the inventions of others, since he has no creativity of his own. Shadenfreude seems like the lost cousin of Sigfried and Roy, and he's one of the better characters here, which isn't saying much. He, along with his evil girlfriend Jaclyn (Jennifer Coolidge) plan to steal Eva from Igor and use her as their entry in the evil science fair.

That's the plot in a nutshell.

MA: Man, that's one big nut! Why did you feel compelled to tell us all that?

LS: Because I'm a friggin' sadist, of course!

And the movie isn't even as exciting as it sounds! I normally like John Cusack but he's too nice and a bit of a sad sack here. Aside from Izzard, the real standout is the always great Buscemi as the suicidal rabbit. And Molly Shannon does a good job as the good giant monster Eva.

I didn't expect to love this movie - and, guess what? I didn't. But it wasn't as awful as I expected, either. While the entire thing was predictable and sappy at times, it was easy enough to sit through and didn't bore me to tears at least, so that makes it at least better than the remake of PROM NIGHT, which remains the worst movie I've seen this year.

MA (laughing): It amazes me how much we disagree on the PROM NIGHT remake. I enjoyed PROM NIGHT much more than IGOR. In fact, for me, PROM NIGHT's one of the better horror movies of 2008.

LS: (ignores him) IGOR is a decent enough flick for the kids (it's rated PG, I guess because of the monsters and a few double entendres, but I see no reason why it couldn't have been rated G). As for parents and other adults - you could do a lot worse. I know there must have been a lot worse animated films this year.

MA: Such as? Not that I've seen every animated movie this year, but I haven't seen one I've liked less than IGOR.

LS: It didn't exactly make me wax nostalgic, since the things I watched when I was a kid - old Universal horror movies and decent kids' movies - were way better than this. But it was tolerable at least. Keep in mind, though, that "tolerable" is not exactly a seal of approval. If you need to see this movie, wait to rent it on DVD.

So what do you think, Michael?

MA: I think your plot summary was much too long. While it's nicely done, very nicely done, I might add, it's hardly worth it, providing this much detail for a movie that no one's going to see. Tolerable? You're being generous. IGOR was horrible.

The first problem I have with this movie is why isn't it spelled YGOR?

(MARTY FELDMAN pops out of the wall in a secret compartment)

MARTY: Because it's spelled I-gor!

MA: Thank you, Mr. Feldman! And he's right, you don't see the Igor spelling, pronounced "eye-gor" until Mel Brooks' s YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974). Ygor (pronounced "ee-gor"), is the correct spelling, and it's been that way since Bela Lugosi initially starred in the role in SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (1939), the third of the Universal Frankenstein movies, and the last with Boris Karloff in the role of the monster.

You can call me a horror movie snob if you like, but that bugged me.

LS: God, if I call you anything, it would be "a most tedious fellow." And you said I was boring!

MA: No, I said the movie's plot was boring. Are there any spare brains laying around here you could purchase for yourself?

(MARTY FELDMAN pops out of the wall again holding a brain in a jar labeled "Abby Normal." A laugh track whoops it up.)

LS: What is this, an episode of LAUGH-IN?

MA: Next, as a kids' movie, IGOR doesn't hold up. I have two sons, and though they're getting older now, through the years we've seen our share of computer-animated kids' films. Some are extremely well done and funny (SHREK, ICE AGE, BARNYARD ANIMALS), some are even modern day classics (TOY STORY 2), but most are simply OK (MADAGASCAR, OVER THE HEDGE). Still, there have been a few that were downright awful, and I'm afraid I'd have to place IGOR in this category.
First and foremost, it's simply not that funny. The humor isn't very sharp and most of the jokes don't work.

LS: Wait a minute! You're telling me this movie was supposed to be a comedy?!!

MA: Worst of all, it completely fails as a parody. One of the things that made the SHREK movies so funny was the way they poked fun at fairy tales. What the Shrek series did with well known characters like the Gingerbread Man and Pinocchio was absolutely hilarious, creating memorable scenes of laugh out loud comedy.

IGOR doesn't even come close here, doesn't even try. There are really no "In" jokes from any characters from any of the old classic Frankenstein movies. Not that most people today would get those jokes, but that brings me to another point--- why? I asked that question throughout this movie. Why make it? What's the point of an Igor story? It plays like a horror-themed kids' movie written by someone with no knowledge of horror movies. The film doesn't even get the Igor character right. The character is based on a clich? of a character, rather than an actual character. It's insulting to those of us who have watched these movies over the years.

LS: Listen "Mr. Kids' Movie Expert," do me a favor. The next time I ever suggest we review a horror-themed kids' movie, hit me with a very large fish!

MA: Sure thing! And, for true laughs and a true Frankenstein parody, the champion remains Mel Brooks's YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN (1974), now a classic in its own right.

LS: You'll get no argument from me, there.

MA: So, IGOR fails as both a kids' computer-animated comedy and as a homage to the classic Universal horror movies.

As you would expect, I'm not against the idea of a kids' horror movie, but I still haven't seen one I really like yet. Do you remember MAD MONSTER PARTY (1967)? That was an animated feature length film by Rankin/Bass featuring the voice talents of Boris Karloff and (gulp!) Phyllis Diller. I've always wanted to like this movie, but no matter how many times I've seen it, I still reach the same conclusion- it stinks.

LS: Aww, c'mon. You're just a crab. MAD MONSTER PARTY is terrific. It's a million times better than IGOR! And it's got some great songs, like "It's the Mummy!" (starts singing)

MA: Oh please don't say that. Now I'm going to want to watch MAD MONSTER PARTY again to see if I like it. Time to bust out the barf bags.

And while lots of folks enjoyed Tim Burton's THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993) I didn't like that one either. So, I guess there's still room out there for other attempts at this genre, if any filmmakers out there want to try. I somewhat enjoyed MONSTER HOUSE (2006) a few years back, but that one was played straight, so it was a little different, and Disney/Pixar's MONSTERS, INC. wasn't bad either.

I agree with you about one of the best parts of the movie being Steve Buscemi as the suicidal rabbit. By far, he was my favorite character. Buscemi also lent his voice talents to the aforementioned MONSTER HOUSE and MONSTERS, INC., by the way.

(LS has fallen asleep against the wall and is snoring away)

MA (Hits LS over the head with a large fish, waking him up): Hey, you asked for it. I pretty much agree with all your points on this one, except I liked it even less than you did. So, now that we're done, how about us switching places, and I get a turn pulling the switch?

LS: Sure.

(LS straps himself onto the table and puts electrodes to his head. MA hunches over and straps the pillow to his back)

MA: Now, master? (MA turns to the audience) And for the record, if we were sticking to the original 1931 FRANKENSTEIN, my name would be Fritz, not Ygor, and also for the record, I never called you master! Hunchbacks didn't start using the word "master" in a Frankenstein movie until J. Carrol Naish as Daniel in HOUSE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1944), so technically this movie should friggin' be called DANIEL!

LS: My God, will you shut up?

MA: It's alive! It's Alive! IT'S ALIVE!!! (Produces lit cigar and places it in LS's mouth) Here, have a cigar.

LS: Gee, thanks! (puffs on cigar) Cigar, good!

MA: Cigar very good!

(Cigar explodes in an animated blast of fire and smoke, leaving LS's face covered in cinders.)

MA: Very good, indeed.

LS (unseen from the smoke): WHY YOU!! Wait til I get out of these straps....
MA: Oh, that reminds me. PULL THE SWITCH!

(Electricity crackles, accompanied by screams, as we FADE TO BLACK)

---END---