(A note from the Knife Fighters - if you like our column and would like to continue to get your fix of CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT, you're in luck. We've created a site just for CKF. Just go to www.cinemaknifefight.com

It's currently a work in progress, but new columns will continue to be posted there, as well as columns from our archives from the last five years.

We have really enjoyed working with Fear Zone the last two years, and it will be sad to see it go. CKF was one of the first columns to be published on Fear Zone, and we'll always remember it fondly. It was great working with our Editor, Greg Lamberson, and we wish him nothing but success for the future.

Please stick with us. Cinema Knife Fight will continue to carve up the latest horror flicks, and hopefully make you laugh in the process

-Sincerely, Michael and LL)

(Fade in: The scene is a staid psychiatrists's office. MICHAEL ARRUDA lies back on a leather sofa, under hypnosis, as a DOCTOR interviews him)

DOCTOR: So tell me, what happens every night when you wake up at 3am?

MICHAEL: I see--- 3 boobs.

DOCTOR (confused): 3 boobs? Please clarify.

MA: Yeah, Moe, Larry, and Curly. (opens eyes and grins) Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

DOCTOR (huffs exasperatedly): Will you please stick to the script?

MA: Sointantly! (clears throat - falls back into hypnotic trance) I see--- an owl.

DOCTOR: You do!

MA: No, it's not an owl. It's changing.

DOCTOR: What does it become? Think, man, think!

MA: Oh my God. It turns into LL Soares!

(MA jumps up from the couch, screaming)

DOCTOR: Wake up! Wake up!

(LL SOARES walks into the room)

LS: Come on, I'm not that scary!

MA: Well, your head was much bigger, and you had these horrendous huge teeth that stuck out over your lips--- hmm, then again, that's the way you always look.

(LS hurls an ET doll at MA, who ducks out of the way as the doll smashes through a window).

LS: Beat it, Doc. We've got a movie to review.

(DOCTOR gets up and leaves the room)

DOCTOR: You'll be getting my bill shortly.

LS: Oh, go soak your head.

MA: Okay, enough fun. It's time to do our review of THE FOURTH KIND.

LS: Yes, it is! And for those who wonder what the mysterious title means, it's all about aliens. These are kinds of alien interactions. The first kind is seeing an alien or a UFO. (An ALIEN walks by the window behind them and waves). The second kind is having evidence, like crop circles. (Ears of corn float by the window) The third kind is contact. (DOCTOR walks by window and is suddenly tackled to the ground by a horde of Aliens. A referee appears and blows a whistle). And the fourth kind is abduction.

THE FOURTH KIND is yet another movie that claims to be based on a "true" story, but I wasn't buying that for a minute. Supposedly, the movie is a mixture of reenactments and original footage, but it all seemed pretty fake to me. The story is that a lot of people in Nome, Alaska have been having trouble sleeping. Psychiatrist Abigail Emily Tyler (played by Milla Jovovich, star of the RESIDENT EVIL movies, in the reenactments) found that, while interviewing patients, they all seemed to have the same story. They woke up around 3:00 in the morning. They saw an owl looking in at them. They seemed very disturbed by this.

As Dr. Tyler investigates further - carrying on the research of her murdered husband - she discovers even more ominous facts, like that these people aren't really seeing owls at all. They're experiencing contact with aliens. And their memories are being altered to make them forget what has happened to them. I guess these aliens are not exactly friendly.

(ET pops up and waves finger)

ET: ET is friendly. ET phone home.

LS (kicks ET out the door): ET sucks. Get out of here!

Between the vivid new reenactments and the often (purposely) damaged archival footage, you're expected to believe that Dr. Tyler's story is all true. And that horrible things are happening to these people who claim to have been abducted.

The archival footage looked completely staged to me. However, I enjoyed this movie quite a bit. You don't have to believe in it to get absorbed by it. The way it is filmed mimics a television reality show, and yet, it does the job so well, that you're hooked. I found the story to be pretty compelling, and the actors, both in the "real" world and the "simulated" segments, were pretty good.

I went to see it with a friend of mine, and after it was over, he said "Wow, I wouldn't have bought it if not for that archival footage. That really creeped me out." To which I had an uncontrollable fit of laughter. But this led us to go see PARANORMAL ACTIVITY right afterwards - and I have to tell you, the movies are similar enough so that they make a terrific double feature. If you haven't seen PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, it's about a couple who use a video camera to record what happens when they're sleeping, trying to get to the bottom of what is haunting their new home, and things get creepier and creepier. That movie too pretends to be showing us true events.

MA: What is this, two movies for the price of one? Stick to one movie, will ya?

LS: Aah, shut up! You're just jealous 'cause you didn't see a double feature!

MA (holding back tears): You don't have to rub it in.

LS: But the word "true" has become pretty meaningless at this point. The truth is, "true" has become the new marketing strategy, and people are eating it up.

So I guess it works.

One thing I did notice was that before THE FOURTH KIND started, they showed trailers for big-budget movies like Roland Emmerich's upcoming 2012, where millions of dollars are spent on special effects. And yet movies like that don't look scary at all. How interesting is it that the biggest horror movies right now are this one and PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, where there are no big special effects, the budgets are miniscule, and even the camerawork is often bad (on purpose). Technology isn't scary! Crappy quality - now that's good for a scare!

So what did you think of it, Michael?

MA: I was less than impressed. First off, let's begin with the "real video footage." Immediately, I'm thinking is this legit, or a gimmick? And since it's a movie, I'm thinking it's gotta be a gimmick. However, I did find myself questioning this throughout the movie, and really, the only result of my questioning was that I was damned distracted. And I don't like being distracted in a movie.

LS: And we know how easily distracted you are.

MA: Huh? I lost my train of thought.

Oh yeah, now I remember.

I don't think this "real footage" added much to the film. I liked the reenacted scenes a heck of a lot better. It would have been scarier and certainly smoother had it excluded this so called "real" footage.

Now, THE FOURTH KIND takes place in Nome, Alaska, and yet this movie completely fails to take advantage of its setting. There's limited use of what should be a picturesque and cinematic backdrop. Compare the use of the Alaskan setting here to another horror movie which took place in Alaska, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT (2007) and you'll see there's no comparison. In that movie, people look like they're freezing cold, we see lots of snow, and there's some pretty good-looking scenery. Here, there's little in this movie to identify it with Nome. It could have taken place in any small town. So, it completely wastes what should have been a neat setting.

LS (building a snowman in the room): Let's have a snowball fight! But seriously, there are plenty of overhead shots when Dr. Tyler is traveling to Nome by plane, and the scenery is quite stunning. The rest of the film takes place indoors, for the most part.

MA: One thing THE FOURTH KIND does do well is generate tension. There are some really tense scenes that had me on the edge of my seat, but while I enjoyed this, there was a lot I didn't enjoy.

Like the scene where that man shoots his family while the police watch from outside. Have you ever seen worse police work in a movie? I mean, you have the guy standing in front of a window with a gun to his wife's head, the house is surrounded by police, and yet you hear "we don't have a clear shot." Why not? He's standing in front of a friggin window! And then, he opens fire and manages to wipe out his entire family, and only then do we see the police running up the steps towards the house. What have they been doing? I blame this on director Olatunde Osunsanmi, because this was some poor editing, where things moved so slow as to be unbelievable. I mean, after the first shot, the police should have been springing into action.

LS: I dunno. I thought it felt just like an episode of COPS! I actually think director Osunsanmi did a fine job for his first feature film.

MA: I enjoyed the acting. I thought Milla Jovovich was very likable in the lead. Will Patton, who plays Sheriff August, is one of my favorite actors, and I enjoy him whenever I see him in a movie. I enjoyed his performances in films like REMEMBER THE TITANS (2000) and the critically panned doomsday thriller ARMAGGEDON (1998).

LS: Yeah, Patton is great in it. And I always enjoy Jovovich, even in those dumb RESIDENT EVIL flicks.

MA: Elias Koteas stood out as Abbey's friend and fellow psychiatrist Abel Campos. He may have delivered the best performance in the movie. Koteas was also in the recent THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT (2009) as the Reverend Popescu.

LS: I'll always remember him best as Vaughn from David Cronenberg's masterpiece CRASH. Now that's a cool movie! And I'm not talking about the lame, preachy CRASH movie that won the Oscar. How dare that have the same title!

MA: I also thought it was a little too convenient in those "real" footage scenes, when the folks have a camera aimed at something really weird, like a spaceship-like object hovering over a house, or a person convulsing and speaking in an alien tongue, that it's during these key times that the cameras fail to work, and we have to view these scenes through lines and interference that bring back memories of black and white VHF television in the days before cable. Why do the cameras always fail during these moments? This is not really explained.

LS: Don't you know that cameras are allergic to aliens? Come on now!

MA: I also thought it weird that Abbey's young son does not protest when the police come to take him away from his mother. It's obvious after this scene that he doesn't trust her, but I didn't pick up on this in the movie before this scene. Plus, I find this very unrealistic. For a boy to be that cold towards his own mother, he'd have to be an alien. Hmm. Anyway, I didn't think this rang true.

LS: I hated that kid. What a sullen brat! I wish the aliens had abducted him instead of Ashley!

MA: Speaking of young Ashley, I thought her abduction was the best scene in the movie, full of suspense and the high point of the film for me.

LS: That's funny. I don't remember actually seeing a scene where she's abducted.

MA: No, we don't actually see her abducted, but I mean the whole scene where it supposedly happens: from the point where the police officer outside the house sees something strange in the sky, to the emotional confrontation later between Abbey and Sheriff August.

THE FOURTH KIND would have worked better for me had it been a straight alien thriller. Even if I allow that the "real" scenes were authentic, the film still doesn't work as a documentary for me because as a documentary or a "fact-based" movie, it fails to cover all bases.

LS: What are you talking about? They list Dr. Abigail Tyler as herself in the end credits. How can you say that's not authentic? It spooked me! I actually think it would have seemed more cliche and a lot less interesting as a straight thriller. It's the supposedly true storyline that makes it more compelling. You just don't like anything that disrupts the traditional, linear narrative. You're a square, man.

MA: I just didn't find these "real" scenes to be all that compelling. And director Osunsanmi doesn't do a good job following through with his facts. For example, in the abduction scene, the police officer watching the house sees something outside, and he tells the sheriff he saw people being taken out of the house through the roof. The sheriff tells his officer to pull himself together, and that's the end of this officer's part in the movie. In light of what happens later, why doesn't anyone question this guy? I mean, Abbey is fighting for custody of her son, and we never hear about this officer's testimony?

LS: Yeah, I thought that was odd. Finally someone else is a witness and has just as crazy a story as Dr. Tyler. Why doesn't the sheriff react to this?

MA: There's also no follow-up with the other characters in this film, either. THE FOURTH KIND leaves too many questions unanswered for it to be taken seriously as a documentary-style movie.

And as an abduction horror movie, it also fails, mostly because there's one major item conspicuously absent here: aliens! Where are the aliens? Not in THE FOURTH KIND. Which left me very disappointed.

LS: What do you mean? There are aliens. They just happen too look an awful lot like owls!

MA: THE FOURTH KIND does provide some tense moments, but ultimately it's nothing more than a standard alien thriller, with a silly "real" footage gimmick that serves little purpose other than to manipulate its audience.

(An ALIEN pops into the room, dressed in an owl costume)

ALIEN: So you don't believe in me, huh? I'll show you.

(ALIEN zaps MA).

MA (in a monotone voice) I loved your movie very much. You gave an Oscar-worthy performance.

LS (nods in approval) (addresses Alien): Cool. Can you make him disappear?

(ALIEN zaps MA again, and he disappears into a puff of smoke. Zaps LS, and he too disappears.)

ALIEN: I will now take them back to my ship, where I will perform gruesome experiments on them---. (ALIEN starts coughing, clutches his chest. Falls to the ground. Its chest bursts open with a flurry of blood and guts, and out pop LS and MA.)

MA: That was interesting.

LS: I had no idea aliens ate so much licorice! Anyway, that about wraps things up here. Until next time---.

---END---