CINEMA KNIFE FIGHT: THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY (2008)
by Michael Arruda and L. L. Soares

(MICHAEL ARRUDA is following a rope leading through the forest. Along the way he sees sticky notes that read things like "Follow Me," "You're getting warmer," and "Two loaves of bread, milk, dozen eggs." Eventually he comes upon a cabin deep in the woods. On the door is a sign that reads "Enter." He goes inside to see L.L. SOARES watching SAW V on a big screen TV.)

MA: Hey! You reviewed this slop last week! We're reviewing THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY this week.

LS: I know. I'd just rather watch this crap.

MA: I'd rather watch something good! Anyway, we can't always get what we want. And on that note, why don't you tell these folks about the movie.

LS: (growls) Okay. I guess I might as well get this over with.

MA: Please do.

LS: THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY begins in 1997, when young Laurel Miller (Jessica Lowndes) finds herself in a cabin just like this one. However, she's here to meet with her boyfriend. The romantic rendezvous is cut short by the appearance of her father, who takes her away. Unfortunately, in the car ride home, he also tries to kill her. He seems to think that once she turns 18 in a few days, she is going to turn evil. So he takes care of that with a sliver of glass to the head.

MA: I liked this pre-credit sequence. It worked for me, but probably not for the reasons the filmmakers intended. The sequence worked for me because of the number of times in real life desperate parents, especially fathers and husbands, have taken the lives of their children (and their entire families!) rather than just killing themselves. For this reason, I found the opening scary, because it resonated with real life implications. The fact that in this instance the father thought his daughter was going to turn evil at 18, and that's why he wanted to kill her, did little for me.

LS: (Yawns) Yeah, that beginning was so compelling. Not!

MA: Well, maybe not for you, but then again, that's not saying much. A young girl being murdered by her father isn't yawn fest material.

LS: It is if the movie is full of clich?s.

THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY then jumps to present day, where Molly Hartley is also about to turn 18. She's been through some traumatic stuff lately. Her mother tried to stab her to death and is locked away in an asylum.

MA: I liked this, too. The fact that her mother tried to kill her gave Molly a legitimate conflict to deal with in this film, and for a while, anyway, caught my interest.

LS: Meanwhile, Molly and her dad have moved to a new town, and she's about to start at a new prep school full of rich snobs. It doesn't help that Molly gets nose bleeds and writhes around on the girls room floor having panic attacks.

When her father brings her to the hospital, Molly learns she has a benign tumor that might be causing all of the aural and visual hallucinations she's been having lately. However, when the tumor is removed, things don't get much better.

I actually found myself scratching my head during this movie. Supposedly, this is one of those movies that has a Christian subtext, and there are scenes that seem to reinforce this. Molly's only friend at school (at first) is a born-again girl named Alexis (Shanna Collins), who clearly is there to "save" Molly. The thing is, she's one of the creepiest characters in the movie.

MA: Yes, she is one of the creepiest characters in the movie, and so I would argue the point that this film has a Christian subtext. At times, it seems like it does, but when all is said and done, the Christian elements are exposed as merely plot points that don't actually work, nor make sense. If this film had a true Christian subtext, the plot would have gone elsewhere.

LS: As Molly slowly begins to realize that her mother made a deal with someone when she was born stillborn - to save her life in exchange for her soul at age 18 - she also realizes that there are people who would do anything to kill her before she reaches that important age.

As a horror movie, MOLLY HARTLEY fails because it isn't very horrific. It seems more like a special episode of GOSSIP GIRL, than a horror movie. The storyline is much more interested in things like Molly trying to fit in at a new school than it is in trying to scare us. In fact, this movie has way too many fake scares (people jumping out when you least expect them) and not enough real ones.

(A hand taps LS's shoulder. He screams. Turns to see it is only MA).

MA (overacting on purpose): I'm sorry. It's only me. I didn't mean to scare you. (Both MA & LS turn to audience) Don't you just hate the "it's only me" scares?

LS: They're the worst! Fake scares bite!

MA: Enough with the fake scares! We want real scares!

LS: I don't have a lot of complaints about the acting, though. As Molly, Haley Bennett is effective enough. She's cute and a pretty good actress. Much better than this material deserves. In fact, most of the cast members seem to be faces we've seen regularly on television, including Collins (Alexis), who was the daughter on the recent (and very good) show SWINGTOWN. Molly's father is played by Jake Weber, who plays Patricia Arquette's husband on MEDIUM. AnnaLynne McCord plays bad girl Suzie here, and was also bad girl Eden on the FX show NIP/TUCK. Handsome male lead Chace Crawford, who plays rich boy Joseph Young, is a regular from GOSSIP GIRL.

MA: Isn't he a gorilla?

LS: Huh?

MA: Joseph Young. Mighty Joe Young's real name was Mr. Joseph Young.

LS: Okay. Whatever. Molly's mother is played by Marin Hinkle, a regular on TWO AND A HALF MEN. I could go on and on. I was surprised by how many cast members I recognized from TV shows. So, as you can see, these are experienced actors, and the movie plays like a decent enough TV-movie at times. However, its biggest drawback is its script.

The main problem with this movie is that it tries to double as a sermon, and it fails badly. Not only are the Christian trappings unconvincing, the character who most exemplifies the ideals is an outsider who seems to be borderline psychotic. By the time Molly believes the prophecies about herself and turns to Alexis for help, Alexis has become so weird and creepy that we don't believe her for a minute as someone who can actually help the situation.

The ending also undermines the plot, because it a) shows that there is no such thing as "free will" and 2) shows that being bad is actually much more desirable than being "saved" which I don't think is what the filmmakers had in mind.

MA: I'm not sure the filmmakers knew what they had in mind.

LS: MOLLY HARTLEY has plot lines and dialogue that are laugh-out-loud funny, as it shows us the story of a girl whose soul has been sold to the devil by her parents, and the repercussions that occur when she comes of age. If anything, I think that being "saved" should be the last thing on Molly's mind, since what the "dark forces" have in store for her don't seem all that bad at all.

So what did you think about it, Michael?

(Suddenly a huge gorilla is standing next to MA. The two converse, with MA mimicking monkey sounds).

LS: What are you doing?

MA: I'm talking to my friend here, Mr. Joseph Young, using monkey talk I learned from watching Bela Lugosi in MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE (1932).

LS: Monkey talk?

MA: We have to communicate somehow. It took me awhile, but Bela's a great teacher. Anyway, Joe's disappointed he didn't get a cameo in MOLLY HARTLEY. Don't worry about it, Joe. We acknowledged you here.

(Joe waves to audience and exits)

MA (calling out to him): It might not hurt to switch agents, though! (to LS) Poor guy.

LS: Enough with all this monkey business! (Quick drum beat). I asked you what you think about the movie.

MA: I think I agree with you. (Loud, horrific, blood-curdling screams burst through the room followed by bursts of thunder and flashes of lightning). Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but in this case you've hit the nail directly on the head.

(LS lifts hammer and pounds nail into MA's forehead making a loud crunch. Blood drips down over MA's face.)

MA: Happy Halloween to you, too. (removes nail and wipes fake blood from his face) Very crude humor, very crude. I prefer the old-fashioned pie in the face, myself. (Lifts cream pie and shoves it into LS's face).

LS (screams): It burns! It burns!

MA: Wasn't I supposed to use acid? I'm sorry. Maybe it did call for egg yolks instead. How stupid of me.

LS (licking cream): I love spicy food!

MA: I aim to please. Anyway, you were dead on with your thoughts about this movie, especially its ending.

The ending shows that being bad is actually much more desirable than being "saved." The way the ending stands now, it's like "I believe in the devil so now I'm suddenly the recipient of supernatural powers, and I can walk through life untouched like an evil superman, or in this case, superwoman, and everything is wonderful." Sorry. It doesn't work that way. If it did, we'd all be devil worshippers, right? It just didn't ring true to me. It was just too neat and easy, and worst of all, not scary.

(The Devil pops up in a puff of red smoke)

Devil: That's too bad. I always hope movies about me are going to be good.

(Devil disappears in another puff of smoke)

LS: Normally I wouldn't reveal the ending of a movie, but this one is so bad, I really hope nobody spends money to see it at the movies. This is definitely more of a rental.

MA: I was troubled by the religious aspects of this movie. If Alexis truly believed that Molly had sold her soul to the devil, and that she was going to become some demon on her 18th birthday, she wouldn't have gone it alone and tried to drown Molly by her lonesome. She would have been in contact with others in her church, and they most likely would have told her that the idea of Molly becoming a demon was ludicrous. Then it would have made sense that Alexis would take on Molly alone.

If you're going to bring religion into a movie, you ought to do it right or else you lose your audience. That's why anytime I see a priest in a film and there's some battle against evil, and there's special effects flying all over the place, and the priest is acting like a Jedi Knight, it's ho-hum time. Go back and watch THE EXORCIST and, whether you believe the content or not, it's not presented in a fake way. There's nothing in that movie that you couldn't believe, if you wanted to. And that's one of the reason's it's so scary.

And the whole bit about the 18th birthday also didn't work for me. It would have worked better had it been a symbol for some of the horrible ceremonial acts of mutilation committed against women in certain cultures around the world today. These devil worshippers perhaps are going to mutilate Molly, or there's something very dreadful about to happen to her. But as you said, in this case, her life gets better. In terms of horror, this isn't scary.

The reason this doesn't work here isn't because I don't like the idea that worshipping the devil, for instance, could be a good thing, because that's why people would do it, after all, because they think it gives them power, or makes them feel good. No, the problem here is that it's all so superficial. Life just isn't that neat and tidy. Compare what happens to Molly to the character of the Joker in THE DARK KNIGHT. The Joker is clearly a powerful character, an evil character, and I would argue that he is a more realistic portrayal of "evil" than a smiling Molly parading around in her rich clothes at the end of this movie. The point here isn't that evil can't look like Molly, because it can, but rather if that's what you're going for, for crying out loud, make it real, not something you'd see in a commercial.

Like you, I enjoyed some of the performances. I liked Haley Bennett as Molly Hartley, and l liked Jake Weber as her father. I also particularly enjoyed Shannon Marie Woodward as Molly's friend Leah. I thought the few times she was on screen the movie was that much better.

LS: Oh yeah, I liked her a lot, too, and wish she was in the movie more.

MA: While the movie didn't excite me by any means, it held my interest for the most part. Because of the decent performances, I liked Molly, and I cared what happened to her. But the ending lost me, and a lukewarm movie with a weak ending just doesn't cut it for me, and so I can't recommend this movie. Like you said, if you're into GOSSIP GIRL, you might like it--- but if you're into horror movies, like we are, stay away from it.

Well, that about wraps up another Cinema Knife Fight.

LS: Until next time, I'm LL Soares.

MA: And I'm--- (MA starts speaking to LS in monkey talk).

LS: You've gone bananas! (quick drum beat)

MA: Bananas? Did someone say bananas? (lifts cream pie) Special delivery - banana cream!

(MA throws cream pie at LS.)

(Fade to Black.)

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