Some Overlooked Headlines from the Presidential Campaign


McCain is a zombie!
Patch of skin was removed from his forehead to forestall recurrence of even more paleness

Obama isn't really Black!
Was just subliminally exposed to radiation while watching an early 1950s sci fi / horror flick

Hillary lost because she watched too much X-Files!
Mistakenly thought Agent Scully's pants suits would be right image for her

Romney lost focus, lost, because M. Night Shyamalan wanted him for his next movie!
Will play Warren Jeffs as leader of a retro Mormon village

Cindy McCain is also a zombie!
Conclusion reached from observation of her paleness, stiff movements, and flat speaking style

Michelle Obama is really Condoleeza Rice!
Shape-shifting only partially successful, as demonstrated by similar appearance

Obama is really Bill Clinton!
Democrats concluded they could only win with Bill; body transference occurred during Bill's heart surgery; only Bill's organ survives intact in his present form

Cryogenic preservation of Reagan was successful!
But technical problems prevented Republicans from awakening him for 2008 campaign; Democrats more successful with Clinton-Obama transference

Cheney is a long-lived vampire!
Photographic research proves he was also power behind scenes in Rutherford B. Hayes Administration

Bush is really illegitimate son of Barbara Bush and Gerald Ford!
Inferiority to his supposed father's mental capacities thereby scientifically explained

Historical discoveries: Gore lab-created, Dukakis a werewolf!
Heir of Dr. Frankenstein confesses due to similarity of Gore to his ancestor's creation; extreme hair situation of Dukakis proves latter

Palin is really, actually, Tina Fey!
Fast Learjet takes her back and forth between 30 Rockand Alaska

Biden finally made it to national ticket due to extraterrestrial intervention!
They took him up in Pennsylvania and set him down in Delaware, where he'd have better chance

Huckabee is Jesus!
But since he contracted male pattern baldness, has left us to our own devices

Bin Laden, shorn and shaved, is a cab driver in New York!
No wonder we can't find him, and that we're late to the airport!