When I was in 6th grade my math teacher, whom shall remain nameless because I still fear she will one day escape from the asylum where she is locked and kill me with the calculator she always threw at my head when I answered questions wrong, was obsessed with musicals. The sad fact of the matter is that she was actually, in her youth, a Broadway actress, but something, which she would not disclose to her 12 year old audience, went terribly wrong somewhere along the line. Thus, decades later, she found herself in a tiny elementary school classroom lined with paper cut outs of dancing, smiling numbers and disinterested, fidgety youths on the verge of hormonal adolescence. Her solution to her obvious hatred towards her fate: Force the 5th and 6th graders to perform a musical each year. I was lucky enough to get to be put through two excruciating performances during my career at that particular elementary school due to an unexpected surge in lethal enthusiasm on her part. Ah, yes, I remember my debuts well...a singing nun in the Sound of Music , a Pink Lady in Grease , and all the while absolutely terrified for my life. Why you may ask? Because this woman lived for these performances and we danced and sang under the penalty of death or worse, humiliation in front of our entire class! Oh, and how she loved me most of all for I was the poor chubby kid with the terrible '80s hairdo that could actually sing. Practice and practice and practice I did, sing my heart out like I was up for an Oscar, only to feel the breeze and hear the THUMP of the calculator as it was hurled at me during practice while the fragile little lead forgot all her lines as she stood in her new Keds and pink bow. The last I heard, years later, of that adorable math teacher was they eventually hauled her away in a straight jacket after someone blamed a bomb threat on her. Ah, the memories!

I'm sure you wonder why I wax nostalgic about childhood horrors instead of cutting to the chase (no pun intended) about the opening of SWEENEY TODD? Well, of course, I'll tell you. It is because, up until this point, due to the traumatic 6th grade experiences, I have loathed musicals! With the exception of ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, VELVET GOLDMINE and a couple of Bing Crosby classics. I have absolutely abhorred any motion picture featuring long dramatic Broadway-styled tunes. I even refused to go to live performances unless alcohol was to be served in heavy quantities before, during and after the show. That vile detest of musicals was slightly overcome yesterday evening and I can safely say that my faith in the genre has been restored with a little help of Johnny Depp, Tim Burton and about 3,000 gallons of holiday-festive red blood!

For those of you who haven't heard of this film yet, SWEENEY TODD is the tale of a barber wrongly imprisoned by the evil Judge Turpin (Alan Rickman) who secretly covets Todd's beautiful wife. After 15 years Sweeney Todd (Johnny Depp) returns to London to find his wife, Lucy (Laura Michelle Kelly), is presumably dead and his daughter, Johanna (Jayne Wisener), adopted by the very man who stole Todd's life, Judge Turpin. With the help of Mrs. Lovett (Helena Bonham Carter), Todd devises a diabolical plan for revenge and a rather nauseating way of breathing new life into Mrs. Lovett's dieing restaurant of meat pies and ale. Unable to control his patience as he waits for Judge Turpin to pay a visit to his newly reopened barbershop, Todd turns his bloodlust upon any new customer in need of a shave until the sewers run red with the blood of the London masses...

Now, I must admit, though I worship the very ground the almighty Burton walks on and pay great allegiance to insane poet-king Depp, I was still cringing as the movie began, my defenses high as I readied myself to be pummeled to death with Broadway tunes. And honestly, I thought the voices of the actors and actresses in this film were fairly decent. They held their own and at times verged on excellence, but the overall vocal production of the cast was not exactly the buttery perfect pitch you expect from a musical. Then again, this isn't Broadway, it's Burton, and the music was not my first reason for viewing this film. Thinking on it now, I almost feel that if the vocals had been more polished it would have indeed detracted from the movie's darkness. Truly speaking, how beautifully would people sing as they are grinding up their customers for special meat pies? Doesn't a little grit and growl make it more fitting? I think so. The moment I laid eyes on the sulking gray sets of soot covered London and wildly tattered gothic stylings that have become so defining of Burton's flair, my musical criticism took a backseat to my inherent artistic awe. In fact, it felt appropriate that they would be singing their story of bloody revenge for, if delivered in any other fashion, this story could be simply too dark, too sad, too twisted a tale. The interjection of amusing songs amongst the dismal, roach infested surroundings, coupled with the perfectly quirky performances of Depp and Carter, takes the edge off (again, no pun intended) a bit as, one after another, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street slits the throats of his customers.

Alas, enough about the music...

As I mentioned, visually this movie is a gothic dream! Monochromatic gray and black settings of rotten wood, peeling wallpaper and crumbling stone suck the viewer into the hopeless madness that Todd has succumbed willingly to. Gorgeously tattered elaborate costumes of black silk and decaying cotton transport you to that mystical place Burton flawlessly creates, somewhere between Victorian London and Hell. And how absolutely wonderfully do Depp and Carter fit into this setting, as if they were sculpted from the very brick and mortar of this dark world of Burton's dreams! They were meant to share the screen together, playing off one another's demented animations with seamless ease. Depp's snarling psychotic delivery of Todd's character flows perfectly alongside Carter's equally insane performance of a woman madly in love with Todd and his lust for blood for the they share the same innate ability to transform the morbid into dark humor. And Rickman, dear Rickman! How lecherous and devilish he plays the part of Judge Turpin until you squirm in your seat and feel your skin crawl. It's easy to root for Sweeney Todd and his beautiful silver razors when you see the man who stole his life!

My only true criticisms of this movie are the special effects in the scenes where throats are slit. I agree completely with Greg Lamberson about a few points needing to be deducted from the "Gore Score". This seems to be a trend these days with blood in films; the blood is too electric red to be considered real and too obviously digitally enhanced (though I thought the effect of it spraying across the camera lens was a nice touch in certain scenes). The latex effects used to simulate the slit throats also appear extremely unrealistic. Then again, this I consider a minor detail for it actually adds to the absurd humor of the entire movie. If it were to appear too real, after seeing around a dozen people have their throats slit, it might begin to be a bit too much for most average movie-goers and this was intended for mainstream audiences. If I truly wanted to I suppose I could also criticize the performances of the elfin duet of "blond hero" and "girl in need of rescue" played by Jamie Campbell Bower and Jayne Wisener, but, while they came off a bit too amateurish as actors, Burton has wisely kept their part of the story to a minimum. Thus, their few flitting scenes of longing through windowpanes at one another are inconsequential when viewing the picture as a whole. They are, after all, the metaphorical glimmer of hope in the bottomless pit of hell.

I always attempt to walk into a movie completely unbiased and with an open mind. One never knows exactly what to expect, especially when there has been such tremendous hype surrounding a project such as SWEENEY TODD. As I have mentioned, I have worshiped at the altar of Burton-Depp for many years, but that did not mean I could not possibly, one day, be disappointed. Luckily, this is not the day! In fact, I am more fervently devoted than ever and stand applauding this latest masterpiece! SWEENEY TODD has received 4 Golden Globe Nominations for Best Picture, thus far, and I say it deserves each and every one!

And as for musicals in general, perhaps I'll pay a visit to an actual Broadway production the next time I'm in New York...