"When You Were Shouting At The Devil, We Were In League With Satan" CD
2008 / Century Media Records

All the hype around this band is designed to have disillusioned mall-metal kids questioning their allegiance to the hordes of craptastic screamo-core, and pseudo metal that is everywhere these days. As a career metal head, my initial reaction was "Thank Satan! " At last, someone is standing up and representing metal the way metal is done best...Dark, Fast, & Evil. Time to take these kids to school....

However, this Canadian act (Featuring members of the vastly superior acts, Strapping Young Lad and Fear Factory) have just plain rubbed the wrong way across my pale, white underbelly with this CD entitled "When You Were Shouting At The Devil...We Were In League With Satan."

The title refers to the metal scene of the early 80's when there was a CLEAR distinction between the "Metal" that was successfully dominating radio: effeminate, sing-along acts like Whitesnake, Def Leppard, Motley Crue (who's album "Shout At The Devil" received serious MTV exposure), and the underground metal that was available in the U.S. primarily as as imports; Hell Hammer, Motorhead, Slayer, Venom (who's song "In League With Satan" received no EmtyV interest whatsoever by comparison ). So, this title is saying "When YOU were a Poser, WE were the real thing". Cool sentiments indeed, but (for me) that's where the coolness ends, and the condescension begins.

Where classic metal acts like IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, and the mightier-than-thou masters of /Dungeons & Dragons metal; MANOWAR have endured to this day ( Manowar had a gold album in Europe as recently as 2005) because they ARE the real thing, they have a love for real metal. Passion still oozes from every note those bands play, and you can feel it.

But for "The Hole" as they refer to themselves, these guys swear they are metal fanatics, but play so far beneath their abilities, and just treat the whole thing as such a "Nudge,nudge,...wink,wink" condescension, that I fins it unbearable to even get thru the music. Believe me, I have a sense of humor, I thought S.O.D's classic album "Speak English Or Die" was hysterical, and I got the joke with Spinal Tap...

Zimmer's hole just ain't funny. Nor is it particularly all that good musically. Basic, un-inspired thrash/death metal with campy ( "wink,wink...metal is funny, get it?") deep growls and equally absurd high pitched shrieks that serve only to seem to be ridiculing vocalists who pioneered that operatic vocal style, and perform them with waaaay more expertise is not my idea of quality song writing.
Here are a few song titles and a brief description of my reaction as a kind of cautionary tale.

"We Rule The Fucking Land"- This bores my fucking ears.

"Flight Of The Knight Bat" - Apparently the bar for literary influence and epic storytelling in metal has dipped a bit since Maiden's classic "Rhyme Of The Ancient Mariner" hit the shelves back in the day.

"The Vowel Song" - Featuring guest vocals from animated Black/Death metal cartoon star Nathan Explosion. Really stupid, and not too far removed from hearing a Cheech & Chong routine in the middle of an otherwise forgettable album.

"Anonymous Esophagus" - Ah, the often heralded virtues of oral sex with a drunken groupie. Yep, that is a topic that wasn't played out in the 1980's...lame.

"What's My Name...Evil!" - Wow, this blows like a soccer mom on a bender in Cancun...awful. I believe I was subjected to a cover of Venom's classic "In League With Satan" as a bonus track on here also. But by that point, I was so pissed off and bored, I couldn't tell you wether it was any good or not. I will defer to words of wisdom from my dear friend Greg Marshall who once said "Don't put a cover song on your record that is way better than anything you could ever write." And he was absolutely correct.

For anyone who thinks me too harsh, please allow me to quote from the band's own doctrine of "Laws." See for yourself whether this self important crap is even worth the effort it took to cut and paste it.

By The Light of the Sheep's Eye, We; Zimmers Hole, Do Espouse These, Our Laws...

1.Should They Plunder, Thou Shalt Suffer an Eternity of Humiliation in Song for Thy Ignorance and Stupidity.

2.Thou Shalt Embrace the Flame. For It is The Creator, and The Destroyer, and The Cooker of Weeners.

3.Thou Shalt Wear Dark Clothing. Especially, Big Tall, Leather Boots.

4.Thou Shalt Break the Crust that Imprisons the Rectally Retentive.

5.Beware the Changeling Glo-God for It is the True Weakness of Will.

6.Thou Shalt Ignite That Which Burns.

7.Thou Shalt Suck It. Suck It Up. Suck It The Fuck Up. You Fuck.

8.Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Bob Barker. The True Shirtless Aerosol Cheesus Crust, in vain.

9.Thou Shalt Stand and Accept It.

10.Thou Shalt Swill Ale From A Bullet Proof Cup.

11.Thou Shalt Revel in the Flesh and Consume the Feast That is Life, Before the Great Flash - Dot of Armageddon

1 out of 5

Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpAA-NBUqYk

Website: www.legionofflames.com

MARS

















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