A Little Treasury of Mordant Quotations

As a horror writer, I'm always on the lookout for ironic, sardonic, dark, mordant quotations. So here are some I've noted down:

"And the fever called 'Living' is conquered at last." - Edgar Allan Poe

"Did it ever strike you on such a morning as this that drowning would be happiness and peace?" - Charles Dickens

"To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." - Mark Twain

"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey." - Mark Twain

"One big vice in a man is apt to keep out a great many smaller ones." - Bret Harte

"Marriage: a community consisting of a ... (more…)

Photo: James Kisner and John Maclay, 1993

Horror novelist James Kisner, 61, and his wife Phyllis, 59, died accidentally of carbon monoxide poisoning in their home in Evansville, Indiana on June 26, 2008.

Jim was one of my closest friends. We met in 1983, and only saw each other in person half a dozen times. But we exchanged letters and emails almost weekly, up to June 19th. So I'm stunned and deeply saddened by this sudden loss, and will miss him dearly. His passing has left a huge hole in my life.

There are those who will point to this death as being ironically appropriate for a horror writer. But only the circumstance, and his early end, are horrible. Jim and Phyllis went off to a ... (more…)

Here are my top ten dumbest things I've seen in movies, horror and otherwise. (And I've seen thousands of films, so many that I now have to go to, say, the Paraguayan section of the specialty video store to find new ones.)

Not necessarily in order:

1. Charlton Heston shouting at the end of the film, "SOYLENT GREEN is people!" As if we didn't know that from the beginning.

2. MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE, the whole movie. Even King admitted that in this effort to successfully translate a novel of his to the screen himself, he'd done the exact reverse.

3. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, and DEATH PROOF, the whole movies. In the former, Tarantino dragged Rodriguez down with him. And in the latter, he was nothing ... (more…)

Along with my friend William F. Nolan, I'm a huge F. Scott Fitzgerald fan. And we shared this passion with our late friend J. N. Williamson. But what none of us, as horror writers, may have internalized, is that Fitzgerald was a horror writer too, and even a writer of vampire fiction!

So, as I did a few columns ago, with my treatment of Dorothy Parker and Ambrose Bierce, let me take you into a bit of the literary past.

I call it, "The Horrors of F. Scott Fitzgerald." And if it doesn't belong in Humor Zone, so be it.

Personal lives. Scott and his wife Zelda, in their main time, the 1920s, were just as much media idols as were James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Jim Morrison, Janis ... (more…)

In 1985, the late, great J. N. (Jerry) Williamson wrote a little book called The New Devil's Dictionary: Creepy Cliches and Sinister Synonyms. (The title being an homage to Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary.) It was published by W. Paul Ganley, and it had an introduction by Ray Russell (also sadly now gone) and illustrations by J. K. Potter. It's a delightful little book - one can still get a copy from Ganley's location on Ebay - whose premise is to select words and phrases that are oft-used (and overused) by writers of horror fiction. (Williamson even provides a list of the authors he combed, and the percentage of these who used them.) But the greatest thing about the book ... (more…)

The End Is Near?

There have been reams of writings claiming that on December 21, 2012 (the winter solstice), the world will end, or at least a major change in it will occur. In fact, on a train trip to New York, I saw graffiti on a wall, "2012: The End."

Not to mention, on the fiction front, the global disaster novels and movies that are the particular staple of us horror fans.

The most significant basis for these writings is that that date is the end of the Mayan calendar, and that is sort of scary.

But as to some other predicted events around that year, and as to ends in general, I respectfully beg to differ.

It won't be the beginning of the Age of Aquarius. The most accepted year for that ... (more…)

Okay, so you get a totally bad review - of your book, your movie, your music CD, whatever.

And I don't mean the sort of review that says your current thing isn't up to par, there's room for improvement, etc.

No, I mean the sort that says you, as a creator, are total shit, that everything you've ever done is likewise, and that you, and it, had best never been born.

The sort that, if applied to them, would say that Al Pacino should have chosen another profession, or that Jesus Christ should have kept making tables and chairs.

Sure, you're not saying you're Pacino or J.C. And you're not saying no one has room for improvement, since you've been helped by some lukewarm reviews over the years.

But ... (more…)

File this one under 'Humorous Anecdote'

When I started sending out press releases for my novel Johnny Gruesome, one of them was inexplicably posted by a news feed service for John McCain supporters. Apparently, the person in charge of the site picked up on the words "Johnny" and "McCain" (as in artist Zach McCain) and determined a heavy metal zombie character was his candidate!

Then, of course, Johnny Gruesome announced his own presidential ambitions. Johnny is neither a Democrat nor a Republican (although his long hair, taste in music, and illegal habits make him an unlikely Establishment Figure); he's the face of the new Zombie Reform Party.

Now comes this message from Robert Tomaro, ... (more…)

Okay, it's time for some interactive here.

You do that by hitting the Comment button below.

The topic: What are your top five humorous horror movies?

(Not necessarily in order, to make it easier?)

But first, my top five scary ones:

Psycho. I'm old enough to have seen this first-run in a theater, when no one knew the ending, or remotely guessed it. And believe me, the impact was incredible; it was a watershed in horror flicks.

Rosemary's Baby. Once again, a totally unguessed ending, or better yet, one that you think might happen but have decided won't.

The Exorcist. Nothing like religion combined with horror, just as Cecil B. DeMille invented the magic ... (more…)

A Visit from Old Nick

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the mansion
Not a creature was stirring, not even Charles Manson:
The leather boots hung by the chimney in pairs,
In hopes that Old Nick himself soon would be there;
Devil's children were nestled all fierce in their beds,
While visions of bloodletting danced in their heads;
And mamma with her piercings and I all tattooed,
Had just settled down for weird sex and taboo,
When out on the lawn their arose such a screaming,
I sprang from the bed to see if I was dreaming.

Away to the window I moved as undead,
Tore open ... (more…)